Urgh! Milestones. I hate this word. I feel that it’s haunted me the last 3 years. Of course I understand the importance of them and why children are measured against them but I just feel they add so much extra worry, anxiety & pressure to all parents- especially first time parents. We all know that all children develop differently and do things in their own time and it’s supposed to work more as a guide but that does not stop that one word getting into all our heads and triggering constant anxiety when your little isn’t reaching the milestone by a certain age.
Billie was hitting all milestones up until the age of 7 months. She was clapping her hands and then one day- she just stopped and never did it again. It was at this point where nothing else began- she didn’t wave, gesture, speak, imaginary play, focus on things, play with toys … the list is endless. We all joked at first when she stopped clapping saying that now she can do it, she doesn’t need to continue or show us anymore but then, when she got to around 9 months, I started to really notice that things just wasn’t right. She wasn’t doing things that she be doing by that age … or even attempting. I would try and initiate play with her but she wasn’t interested. I would do sneaky little tests to see if she would do certain things but nothing. By 11 months, I knew. I knew it was autism.
Of course it is absolutely normal for some children to reach some milestones a little earlier or a little later but with Bills, it was all of them. The only thing she was fixated on doing, was walking. From 7 months, she had anyone that would hold her hands and walk her around … all day, every day. My back would be in bits then at 9 months she was walking and by 11 months she was running … literally. There was no stopping her. She walked before she crawled! Other than that, she didn’t reach any other milestones and even now at 3 and a half years old, she still hasn’t.
This was one of the hardest things I found at first. When I would be with Billie around other children and I would see them all doing new things yet my Bills was just left behind still behaving as though she was a baby or when friends would talk about how proud they are that their child said their first word or waved them goodbye, my stomach would turn like a washing machine .. truth is, it still does.
I never knew what too say when family members would ask on the phone if she is doing certain things or they would wave & Bills would just continue with what she’s doing or they would call her name and she would literally act like she never heard them. This is a huge thing from what makes Billie stand out in a crowd full of children. It’s one of the biggest indicators that show her differences. When we walk into the shop and the shop assistant will speak and wave at her and Billie won’t even acknowledge their existence or will just start stimming at them.
When we had Frankie, as much as I told myself I didn’t want to be the helicopter parent that watches every single thing she does, I knew deep down that I would be … because that is who I am. I don’t want to be that person but experience with Billie has moulded me that way. Every single month of her life I was watching and waiting for her to reach that milestone, the ones Billie never got too. Frankie is now 17 months old and I still do it. If she does the slightest little thing like not answering her name straight away or copies her sister and walks on her tip toes or even flaps her hands slightly, my stomach instantly turns to knots. I’m second guessing everything. I actually had a little cry once in the kitchen the first time I saw Frankie walk on her tip toes. I just thought, not again! Frankie isn’t showing any traits at all but it will never leave my head.
She is going through a little phase where she will walk a few steps on her tip toes but it’s nothing like Billie does. Billie walks on her tip toes all the time, Frankie does not. I don’t know why Frankie is doing it- is she copying Billie? Is she flat footed? Does she just think it’s fun? I don’t know but because a child can develop completely as they should and then suddenly regress up to the age of 3, I always think and question it. I almost find myself wishing Frankie’s life away for her to get to the age of 3 so I know for sure if she is autistic or not. There is absolutely no other indication to me being paranoid until the recent tip toe walking and I would say she has only started doing that in the last month or so. She has hit every other milestone at the right time but it won’t settle my mind.
Autism is on such a spectrum that some children will reach milestones and display behaviours that are considered to be normal where as others, such as Billie, haven’t hit any or at least very few. I think for Billie, because she hadn’t done so many, that was a huge indicator that things wasn’t developing how they should and something that lead me towards autism & it definitely helped getting her diagnosed as early as we have. Where as with some parents trying to get a diagnosis for their children may struggle if their child seems to be teaching targets that professionals deem to be “normal”.
I know a lot of people feel the pressure of milestones regardless if they are NT or not. Whether that pressure be off health professionals, friends, family, social media or even just pressure they put on themselves. It’s easier to get so wrapped up in and let it consume your mind, especially if your little one is a little late reaching the milestones they say they should be- I am definitely guilty of doing this! But in all fairness, your child will either do something or they won’t and it will come whenever they want to do it. Talking from experience, there is very little that you can do to assist your little one as a parent.
and if they don’t reach that milestone, then you will know to reach out and get the extra help your child needs. It doesn’t mean they have autism because they are a little delayed with their speech for example. This happens and it’s very common. If you are offered help from a speech and language professional for this then take it! They are amazing at their jobs and it’s a blessing to have access to this kind of help. It’s nothing to be ashamed of or embarrassed about … after all, why wouldn’t you want to help your child in every way that is possible?
I recently did an OT seminar (I’ll blog about that next week) and I learned a lot but mostly I learned to stop caring about what society wants or expects and just do what I need to do for MY child. All children are different and that’s what makes them unique and special and you can not expect to parent all children the same. I can’t even parent my two kids the same! So if your child is walking by 10 months, I can guarantee there are others that don’t until they are 14 months. It doesn’t make either of them better or less, if just makes them, THEM.
We all need help with things in life so if your child needs a little extra help, take it. Even if it is something else then finding that out is half the battle … then you can get them the help they need. Try not to fixate on the little things. All children are a blessing no matter what challenges they may be given so I say forget the milestones and the stereotypes and let’s just accept kids for being kids.
Speak soon, xo
We blew past one or two milestones. Some of them were early. Which I guess was an indication, too. Figured everything would shake out. Was wrong. Still stuck on some. Don't think we'll ever come unstuck.