ow, you guys know I like to keep things as real as I possibly can with you guys. I did a post about this recently on my @parentingautism instagram page but I thought I would do a quick blog about it also as I know, so many of you guys that are reading this have either been through it, going through it or yet to experience the joys of it (sarcasm by the way).
I talk so often at how well behaved Billie is, not only for a 3 year old but for a 3 year old autistic toddler who also has GDD and SPD. But just lately, the girl has developed a whole new personality and side to her that I can not say I am welcoming with open arms.
Over the past 1-2 months, she has just completely morphed into a child that I do not recognise. He whole attitude and behaviours have changed and certainly not for the good. She is not listening to a word I say even though I know for a fact that she does understand some of it- specifically the word ‘No’. She is super whingy and whiny all of the time even if there is literally no reason to be like this, she is awful to her sister (still no improvement with that relationship), she is throwing everything in sight, literally just trashes the entire house for absolutely zero reason, she is crying a lot more than she used too, she is extremely needy, she isn’t eating meals and is just really disengaged. My once very happy go lucky girl that would light up a room seems to have just vanished.
I know what you’re all thinking. Every child does this- My child, her child, my nephew, my son etc but this is really unusual behaviour for Billie and it seemed to just come out of nowhere. I know it’s totally normal for toddlers to behave like this and I have considered that along with her GDD, she may just be going through the “terrible two” stage of life but by heck- there has been zero warning. I can’t help to think that it is almost made worse as she does not communicate … verbally anyway. I have been wracking my brain to pinpoint the exact time that it started to see if something triggered the change but nothing is sprinting to mind except it was around the time we changed Billies FS1 timings to the afternoon instead of the morning. We did this as her class had gotten very busy and she was getting a little distressed but the afternoon times were quieter with less children attending. If we are just talking about the impact this has had on Billie for those 3 hours she is at school then it has worked incredibly well however everything else hasn’t been affected quite so positively. Now I’m not saying it’s definitely the change of school times that’s had this affect on her but it was around that time where things changed.
Billie has never been violent or shown any kind of aggressive behaviour or side of her. She has always been kind and if another child had done something to her in past, she has never retaliated. However, recently, Billie has shown an occasional aggressive side … especially with her little sister. Out of nowhere, one day, Billie just got Frankie in a head lock and squeezed her head as tight as she could. We have all experienced a 1 year old toddler in our time and we know that for an older sibling, they can be very annoying but I must say, recently, Frankie has got a lot better with and 80% of the times Billie has done this to Frankie, Franks hasn’t done anything towards Billie to make her react in this way. This has happened a few times now & it has progressed to Billie throwing Frankie to the floor after the head squeeze to which always triggers Frankie to tears. We are, of course, keeping an eye on it but it’s just shocked us a little and we feel a bit blind sighted by it.
So this now leads me to my next question … is this all typical three year old behaviour that I have to just ride the wave with or is it connected to her autism? Maybe both? As Billie is getting older, her autism is becoming more apparent and traits are developing and changing and I can’t help but think that is it all connected? Billie has never behaved as a typical child would no matter what age she has been so is it slightly deluded of me to just think that this phase (I’m hoping it’s a phase) is directly linked to her being 3? Or is it the GDD? Her development is so delayed that she could just now be starting to demonstrate behaviours of a 2 year old and we’re coming into the “terrible two’s”? Who knows but I am not enjoying it one bit.
Truth be told- it’s making life extremely difficult, stressful, un-enjoyable and testing to say the least. Sometimes with Billie, it feels like she’s a forever baby in a toddler sized body. All the things that you get excited for when you child grows and becomes more independent are not things Billie does- she doesn’t talk, get changed herself, use the toilet, share, compromise, understand, play, wash herself or show any kind of intent to want to start doing these things. It makes me feel like an awful parent- she clearly wants things from me but I can’t give them to her because she can’t let me know what it is she wants or needs. The mum guilt is real at the moment guys, let me tell you! For the first time since our autistic journey began 2 years ago now, I have recently been questioning my abilities of raising her and doing a good job with her. I’ve done everything in my power to try and be the best mother I can be for her- read books, watched educational programmes, watched documentaries, researched, spoke to professionals and seeked out advice from those who know but yet, I am truly questioning if I can do this. I’m not wanting sympathy because I know that ALL parents go through this at some point with their child but at this moment, it’s just my time to question.
I’m hoping this is just a phase and the real Billie will bounce back to us soon enough but for those of you who are also in the phase or those of you who know that it’s not “just a phase” then know, there are other mums feeling the exact same as you!
You’re doing great, no matter how many times you’ve raised you voice lately, how many tears you may have cried or how many times you have questioned your abilities … take a deep breath and just let it out. You have been chosen to be your child’s mum for a reason & that reason is because you CAN do this! … remember that!
Speak soon, xo
So, I originally wrote this blog back in June but never got round to uploading it. It is now the end of September & I can definitely say that things have not improved. For a girl who barely had a handful of meltdowns in her life, she has had 3 in the past two weeks.
Her behaviour has definitely shifted & I’m not sure what that’s down too. Is it her age? Is it tiredness from nights of not much sleep? Is it school? Is it just autism? I have no idea.
Anyway … I thought I would post the original blog that I wrote at the beginning of summer as not much has changed by the end of summer.
She isn’t as aggressive towards Frankie and only very occasionally has she lashed at her over the past month or two- it only really happens on her bad days however what has become more regular are meltdowns. Again, I am NOT talking about a tantrum. These are extreme upsets where she hurts herself and lashes out. It can be very hard to calm her down and quite distressing for everyone. I have spoke about meltdowns before in more detail but they are definitely getting more frequent and more extreme as she is getting older.
I am still hopeful (although slightly less than I was back in June) that this is just a phase but for the time being- life is hard! I have certainly had more downs than ups in parenting lately but I am seeking some medical advice as to what I can do to help Billie and what may be the course. I’ll keep you guys posted in any developments.
Until next time, xo