Do SEN parents lives solely revolve around their child?

Can women do it all?

The timeless question – can women really do it all? I’ve never put to much thought into this topic before recently. It’s a topic that has been discussed for years, since women were starting to have careers, further their education and raise a family but its not something that has really affected me. I had a career in the military before I had my children and my husband and I, always knew that when we would have children, I would stay home and raise them. This is something I was very much for, not just him. I wanted to be there each day for my kids, to take them to playgroups, see every single milestone and raise them myself. This plan was made slightly easier when I fell pregnant with Billie whist in-between jobs, therefore, I had no job to go back to. Then when I fell pregnant with Frankie, Billie had only just turned 1 and we moved out to Cyprus which made me working not financially critical but also, much harder to incorporate into our lives. In fact, I did work very briefly whilst out in Cyprus, but it was proved very quickly that it just over complicated our lives so that job didn’t last too long. When we have discussed me going back to work in the past, there has always been one rule; it must benefit us. The price of childcare fees in this country is astronomical as I’m sure you are all aware so, If I were to get a job, the wage must be come up trumps once nursery fees are taken care of.

But … we are now back in the UK; Billie has started school full time and Frankie has turned 3. This has made me think about going back to work a lot more. Especially now that Frankie is now 3 so she would get 30 hours subsidised nursery hours. However, this leads me onto our next dilemma … what happens to Billie. Due to Billies additional needs, she can’t access breakfast or after school clubs which restricts my job prospects. I would need to find a job that starts after 9 so I am able to take the children to school and finishes before 3 so I am able to collect them. The obvious thing would be to find a work from home job but again, most of those jobs are until 5pm- how could I work when I have the children at home? Frankie is still so little; she still needs constant assistance and interaction and Billie can’t be left to her own devices for long due to safety reasons. So, I put this question out to you all …

How are SEN parents able to find employment?

It is hard enough for any parent to navigate working around children and most of them rely on family members or extra curriculum clubs but if someone can’t access these, what then? We are lucky now in terms of finances. My husband has a good job, and his wage can support us, but working isn’t all about the financial side of things. I miss having my own life- outside my home, away from the daily chores. Don’t get me wrong, I realise some women would bite my arm off to be able to stay home but truth be told, it’s just not who I am. I want to work. I want to contribute financially and give my family the best possible life I can and even though a lot of people argue about this, money does help provide this! I also want to make friends. I moved back to England in March of last year, to a place I haven’t lived before, and I still haven’t made any friends. It can get very lonely at times. I want something for me and life in my house can be very stressful- working sounds like it would be a break from it all. I am not the type of woman who drops the children a school, puts on an apron and bakes homemade cookies and pies and gets pleasure from a gleaming oven (although, I do kinda get a buzz after a freshen up Friday). I left school and joined the military almost straight away and lived an independent life so having that taken away, both financially and work wise, has been a struggle- there is something quite demoralising about having to ask your husband to transfer you some money to do the shopping or get your nails done!

My life quite literally revolves around my children, which I know is how it should be, but its 2025. If men can go out to work all day and it too be seen as something you should celebrate as they are doing it for their family, then why is it not looked at in the same way for women? Why do I feel guilty for not wanting to be a stay-at-home mum and for my life to go beyond my household? I want to accomplish things in my life that expand beyond raising tiny humans and being a devoted wife. But as all things when raising a SEN child, having two working parents is more complicated than the norm. Will working ever be a part of my near future? I spoke in my last blog about Billies uncertain educational future which is just another curve ball. If specialist school, or any new school is on the cards for her, it would involve a further commute for her which again, affects a start and finish time for any employment for me. What if I can’t get Billie a space in a new school straight away and she has to be temporarily home schooled as I know is the case for far too many children in this country.

Don’t get me wrong, my life is hectic! I am a weekend warrior parent, meaning Alex works away during the week so I don’t get any help with the children, I am a part-time university student which takes up a lot of time, Frankie isn’t in nursery full time and getting her in full time could prove difficult with lack of nursery places and in between the kids illnesses and Billies appointments, there is always something going on! I do wonder if adding a job to that list would just add to the stress rather than ease it. I am studying to be a primary school teacher as I thought teaching would be a job that fits in with the children’s school schedule the best however, this was of course before we knew Billie was autistic. Teaching is not a 9-3 job. Yes, it’s very helpful when it comes to the school holidays, but the day-today life of teaching is very stressful and very time consuming. This is just another job that is restricted by not having any extra hour childcare for Billie. I am due to graduate university next year and yet, I don’t even know if I am going to be able to use that degree.

I am obviously not the only parent raising a SEN child so I would be interested to find out how many of these parents are in the same situation as me or if in fact they have found a way around it, how they are doing it? Do they heavily rely on family members to help with the children, or have they managed to find employment that caters for their individual needs? Have they had to go self-employed so they can schedule their own hours? Or am I just living in an unrealistic fantasy of trying to do it all? Can women truly hold down a successful career and raise their children in a way that society expects or does something have to give? With raising childcare fees and restricted places in settings, are we going back in time where women are almost forced to settle and accept that working is just not possible? Is this why women are having children later in life or not at all? This issue goes beyond those with SEN children however, I feel there are more obstacles for those that do.

So how do we solve this? Do the government need to step up and provide extra support for working families or is it a situation that we need to navigate though ourselves? We all know the government need to pull their fingers out with all aspects of SEN but is this issue one that is overlooked? There is so much pressure in society to work yet the support out there is minimal. There is a stigma around families that claim welfare but if a parent can’t work, due to these circumstances, what other options are there? Not every family has relatives that can help them with children, nor are all families made of two parents. I see so much hate on the internet directed at SEN parents for claiming allowances such as carers or DLA but for some people, it is necessary. Just because people aren’t working doesn’t mean they don’t want too. So after that food for thought, I would be intrigued to know your opinions or even what you do and how you manage it? Until next time, I wish you all a great week ahead whether you’re at home keeping tiny humans alive or bossing it in the workplace!

Speak soon, xo